@WizdomForGirls: Weed doesn't make you stupid, you were stupid before you smoked the weed.
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@Smethanie: I texted someone "hell yeah," but autocorrect changed it to "hell year" because even our phones know.
@robdelaney: I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
@KeetPotato: cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"