Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”