[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.