“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.