@BlondAmbitionTO: "Weight Watchers" because "Obesity Observers" was too cerebral.
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@WildeThingy: I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
@brynnester: [First Date] Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message! Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I'll definitely do it face to face
@dafloydsta: *goes to bathroom *takes out phone *opens Twitter *finishes *pulls pants up *flushes *forgets to poop