“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*