Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.