Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
live long and prosper!
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.