Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations