How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Snapes on a plane.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.