“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
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Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
#oldknees
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.