“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*