Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Seems a bit forward
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Writing, She Murdered.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.