Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.