Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.