“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Best seat on the street 😍
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”