Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.