WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
You Might Also Like
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim