Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.