Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions