Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor