@dinnersruined: Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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@tat2skatermom: I have a doorbell chime for text messages. I just checked my door twice. I don’t have a doorbell. Line up boys. This kinda genius is rare.
@Amburglar_: "Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
@Breadery: There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face to find she has deflated in the night.