Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
bias laundering edition
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I think this should do it.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers