Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
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Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.