Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My Plans 2020
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you