Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.