“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader