Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
You Might Also Like
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*