welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
#SCOTUS one-star review
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.