Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless