Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.