Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.