Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?