Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
You Might Also Like
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.