Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster