welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”