When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material