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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.