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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”