My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.