Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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he looks great for his age
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Just parrot things
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Happy birthday to all the women
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!