Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
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The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.