Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Always
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.