Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?