5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
What in the hipster hell is going on here
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone