japanese corn
You Might Also Like
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Great game to play with friends
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.