“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer