“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.