@AbbyHasIssues: "Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.
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@chrisdelia: I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
@HavocMantis: I'm a fi-sci writer. "You mean sci-fi?" No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.
@onion_an: Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan
@david8hughes: The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.