@AbbyHasIssues: "Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.
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@pantsfaced: In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn't even know they were being watched.
@joemcshutup: Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a "clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
@PaperWash: McConaughey: I'll have a venti with cream please Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name? McConaughey: I don't know