Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”