127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
ACED my prostate exam!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
going to the ER y’all need anything
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
relationship goals
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.