Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.