Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.